The Doubting Disease
Does anyone else suffer from the "doubting disease" a coined term I'm borrowing from the article,"OCD and the holidays" written by Janet Singer and posted on https://www.mentalhealth.com. Singer writes, "those with obsessive-compulsive disorder have the need to know, for sure, that all is will be okay. Not surprisingly, it is often referred to as the 'doubting disease.'"
My OCD
It isn't the hand washing, bacteria-ridden food, or burn-down-the house fears of the past from which I struggle, but rather, the uncontrollable obsession with whatever hidden fear or burden is present in my life. It spirals into compulsion which equates to a complete lack of self-control in regard to that situation.
I like to create artwork and original pieces as gifts for others. However, as I am working on something I'll begin to doubt it and then become obsessed with redoing it or making it better. I can never get to a point where I accept and let it go.
I go down a rabbit hole online or on social media, and then it becomes a compulsion to continually check it. It is often a search for answers - for knowing everything. And mostly it is things I can't control or change.
I obsess over a person and feel the need to understand their words, behaviors, motivations, feelings and emotions, even their activity online, and so on. When I do gather breadcrumbs, I think and believe the worst and create the worst scenarios in my mind. When I am unable to gather any, I feel lost like I'm drowning or there is a rock in my stomach.
Alienation
I try my best to just will control over it and stop my obsessions and compulsions, but it doesn't work that way. Rather I wear my crazy hat and flash wild eyes at everyone. Most people don't understand, and this lack of understanding isolates me. Friends have listened to me for hours, days, weeks, and even years in their time of knowing me. The listening helps but is often not enough.
The behaviors will seem to subside, but what really happens is that they get replaced by other obsessions, and then new compulsions grow from there. The pattern is circular and draining. It creates stress, fear, and unnecessary emotions. It takes away my appetite, makes me physically and mentally exhausted. Sometimes, sleep is the only way to escape it for a while.
Self-Doubt
It is no wonder that my self-confidence takes an extreme hit from the rollercoaster ride of highs and lows associated with OCD. Every breadcrumb I discover, or thought I allow to develop is a negative one that highlights everything I find negative about myself. I examine every mistake, every fault, every action I've ever taken or word I've ever spoken, only to regret every single one of them.
I rely on words to fight my way out of it. I apologize to others, try to explain some reason for why I obsess and why I compulsively act, but I only find myself digging my own hole deeper and deeper.
I just wonder who else experiences this type of OCD.
