Just Let Me Scream!

I Want to Scream, Let Me!

I lost my baby. I had a miscarriage. I am angry. I am sad. I am confused. I am sick. I don't want to talk to everyone about it. I don't want to go to work. I have no appetite. I want to cry. I feel nothing. I am empty. But, I want to scream. Just let me!

From Everything

A few months ago Kari embarked on one of the greatest journeys of life. She embraced it with joy and excitement and the support of her husband. They were going to be parents, and in nine short months, they would share this great responsibility, yet most rewarding adventure sought by many newlyweds. In nine short months, they would take turns rocking the baby to sleep, changing the baby's diapers, and holding the baby warm against their bodies whenever they could. In nine short months is when many said it would seem real. 

But from the moment Kari learned she was pregnant, it was real. She already felt the great responsibility. She already felt the reward and adventure. She was already holding the baby warm inside her body. She watched what she ate and took care of her health, and those who knew or suspected could see the pregnancy aura in full glow around her. She moved like a goddess whose body was delicate as an iris in bloom, yet strong as a redwood tree.

As each week passed she fell more in love with the baby growing inside of her, and when she approached the end of her first trimester, she begin to share her happiness with others and plan for the future. 

To Nothing

Absence of fetal heartbeat. It was written on the paperwork her husband read in the ultrasound room. They went home. Then had the news confirmed hours later by the doctor's phone call. They mourned together.

But Kari's mourning continued.

It is easy to understand the sadness that accompanies a miscarriage and offer cards, phone calls, condolences, and oftentimes a shared experience by a close friend or loved one. Miscarriages are very common - this much is true; yet the true understanding of what a woman experiences after having one is far from easy.

It was Kari's body. She felt responsible. In addition to her heartbreak, she felt guilty. She felt betrayed by her own body; weak or incapable of doing the one thing she knew she was created to do. She felt empty. mind, heart, and womb - empty.

Her mind would be a blur or a haze of fog, her mouth would go dry, she would feel awake when asleep and asleep when awake. The moments of each day held little meaning, and simple tasks took every amount of strength she could muster.

Her heart felt cold. She loved her husband, her family, and friends, but every contact and communication was bitter for her like an acidic taste in her mouth. Her bubbly personality had disappeared and there was an edge to her words, her looks, and her forced smiles. There was a twinge of vexation in her comments no matter the subject.

She no longer felt like the beautiful and strong woman of only a few short weeks ago. Her body felt foreign to her, and she no longer appreciated it the way she had before. Physical contact lacked meaning and comfort for her. Interactions with extended family left her strained and exhausted.

Nobody talks about the change a woman endures when she loses a child in utero. It is explained clinically and medically.

Miscarriage Misunderstandings

According to the National Library of Medicine's article, "A National Survey on Public Perceptions of Miscarriage, "Miscarriage is the most common complication of pregnancy in the United States, occurring in 15–20% of clinically-recognized pregnancies, or 750,000–1,000,000 cases annually."

Does this mean everyone understands it? Sadly, no.

The emotional impact of a miscarriage is NOT studied and NOT truly understood. Despite its frequency, it is still "shrouded in shame and silence, even amongst family and friends" (Bardos, et al.)

Why is it in today's advanced scientific and medical world, a woman can lose a child, a peace of her body and soul, and not have any idea why.

In 60% of miscarriages a number of reasons can be attributed to them; however, what about the other 40-% of woman who are left with physical and emotional scars but no answers.

But Why?

In Kari's case there was no medical reason found for her loss. She is one of the 40% of women who lost a child and has no answers. She is plagued with an inner voice constantly asking why it happened? Why her? What did she do wrong? What should she do differently if she tries again? And the questions go on.

How Can Someone Help?

Much like the lack of medical evidence as to why miscarriages occur, there is no set medical script for how a woman handles the trauma or for how long. Each woman and her loss is an individual experience, and her healing will follow an individual path.

If you or someone you love has experienced an early pregnancy loss, please take the time to educate yourself on it, and then make yourself available to them in the most appropriate way. 

According to the article, "Supporting Someone Through Pregnancy Loss," phrases such as "I'm sorry" or "How can I help?" can be all that is needed.

Avoid phrases that begin with "...at least" you can have another baby, or you're young, etc. Even though it feels natural to say that "it was for the best" or "God knows what He's doing" avoid these phrases as they do not help the grieving mother. As mentioned the many emotions with which she is dealing far outweigh any rational reasoning, and they do not answer the haunting question of "why?". 

Living With Loss

Even as a time goes on and a woman is well on her healing journey, residual fears, anxieties, and emotions can resurface as she tries to get pregnant again or even celebrates in a friend's pregnancy. There will never be complete closure or healing because a mother will always feel a connection to the baby she never met. For the rest of her life she will complete medical paperwork and have to account for her number of pregnancies and number of children. The different number will always be a reminder to her.

* names have been changed to protect the identities of those in this story

Additional Resources:

Depression, Postpartum: 6 tips for navigating depression after miscarriage

How to Support Someone After a Miscarriage

Healing After Miscarriage: Precautions and Steps to Recovery

The Doubting Disease

The Doubting Disease

Does anyone else suffer from the "doubting disease" a coined term I'm borrowing from the article,"OCD and the holidays" written by Janet Singer and posted on https://www.mentalhealth.com. Singer writes, "those with obsessive-compulsive disorder have the need to know, for sure, that all is will be okay. Not surprisingly, it is often referred to as the 'doubting disease.'" 

My OCD

It isn't the hand washing, bacteria-ridden food, or burn-down-the house fears of the past from which I struggle, but rather, the uncontrollable obsession with whatever hidden fear or burden is present in my life. It spirals into compulsion which equates to a complete lack of self-control in regard to that situation.

I like to create artwork and original pieces as gifts for others. However, as I am working on something I'll begin to doubt it and then become obsessed with redoing it or making it better. I can never get to a point where I accept and let it go.

I go down a rabbit hole online or on social media, and then it becomes a compulsion to continually check it. It is often a search for answers - for knowing everything. And mostly it is things I can't control or change.

I obsess over a person and feel the need to understand their words, behaviors, motivations, feelings and emotions, even their activity online, and so on. When I do gather breadcrumbs, I think and believe the worst and create the worst scenarios in my mind. When I am unable to gather any, I feel lost like I'm drowning or there is a rock in my stomach.

Alienation

I try my best to just will control over it and stop my obsessions and compulsions, but it doesn't work that way. Rather I wear my crazy hat and flash wild eyes at everyone. Most people don't understand, and this lack of understanding isolates me. Friends have listened to me for hours, days, weeks, and even years in their time of knowing me. The listening helps but is often not enough. 

The behaviors will seem to subside, but what really happens is that they get replaced by other obsessions, and then new compulsions grow from there. The pattern is circular and draining. It creates stress, fear, and unnecessary emotions. It takes away my appetite, makes me physically and mentally exhausted. Sometimes, sleep is the only way to escape it for a while.

Self-Doubt

It is no wonder that my self-confidence takes an extreme hit from the rollercoaster ride of highs and lows associated with OCD. Every breadcrumb I discover, or thought I allow to develop is a negative one that highlights everything I find negative about myself. I examine every mistake, every fault, every action I've ever taken or word I've ever spoken, only to regret every single one of them. 

I rely on words to fight my way out of it. I apologize to others, try to explain some reason for why I obsess and why I compulsively act, but I only find myself digging my own hole deeper and deeper.

I just wonder who else experiences this type of OCD.

The American Dream Is Dead: Pursue the American Wet Dream

The Traditional American Dream Is Dead

In his 1931 book, The Epic of America, James Truslow Adams coined the term “The American Dream,” as being - “that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to his or her ability or achievement…”

Furthermore, he writes, [it is]“...a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position.”

While many have debated, argued, defended, and even defied the concept of the American Dream or declared that it is dead, the ideal of it still boils down to the belief that the acquisition of money equates to happiness; therefore, money is the attainment of this dream.

And while lavish homes, superfluous accessories, and the acquisition of personal trains, planes, and automobiles is sought after, it is far less likely these will be attained by those “according to his or her ability or achievement….” 

The American Wet Dream: Far More Attainable

In our current society, individuals “recognized for who they are…regardless of circumstance” have the freedom and “opportunity for each” to achieve the American Dream more so than perhaps any other generation.

How is this possible? Simple… pursue the American Wet Dream.

The nouveau riche in today’s society include digital creators, social media influencers, anyone with dexterity operating a camera phone, and those whose predominant skill is undressing.

Want to teach macrame? Awesome! Start a web page, social sites, and post a how-to video! It’ll be a fun pastime or hobby for you.

But if you want people to actually watch it and maybe even pay to see it? Macrame WHILE NAKED!

Easy Sleazy

If attaining the American Dream is making money, and the age-old adage of “sex sells” has always driven the force of commercialism and capitalism, then it appears the accessibility of the American Dream is actually far more attainable in today’s world than it has been for the past 80 years.

Despite the fact that the economy has tanked, and the prices of everyday household elements have skyrocketed, fruitless spending has yet to decrease for the average American.

EVERY SECOND, approximately “$3,075.64 is being spent on pornography on the internet”. You know someone who would forgo a necessity due to the cost, yet still pay for their vice or form of entertainment.

If it’s something that people will always pay for, then why not choose your profession accordingly? Many people have quit their 9-5 jobs in order to pursue a career in pornography online.

Booming Business

We can give another nod of appreciation to Covid for the role it played in destroying jobs and small business owners.

The UK couple, Bonnie and Tommy, lost so much money in their small business during Covid, they folded up shop, started an Only Fans page and now rake in 10k a month making videos of themselves having sex.

Check out the article with their interview. Bonnie explains how they plan to be transparent with their children about being sex workers. They also aim to challenge the stigma attached to it.

Many Americans are following suit. Revered educators, coaches, businessmen and women, and others are leaving traditional careers and jobs and throwing in the towel on their pursuits of higher degrees and education, in order to go online, make lascivious posts, attract a fan base, sit back, and make bank.

Limited Skills, Unlimited Exposure

Long gone are the days of stashing away dad’s magazine - boys (of all ages) who have access to the Internet can find any content.

If you are a content creator and have a pay site, make sure you use other platforms like social media to advertise your site.

Don’t show it all, of course, but make your posts just mouth-watering enough to get the credit cards from the adults.

If you are a parent, think of the insane amount of money you can accrue and place in a college fund - or better yet - the money you'll save not needing to bribe Harvard.

Imagine all of the possibilities that await you and your family due to the increased income. If your kids choose to skip college and go right into the family business, then those savings aren’t wasted, it’s perfect start-up money for their own camera.

If they are bullied or teased or abused because of their friends and their families disapproving of your choices, you can use the money to relocate or change schools.

Remember that in time, the values of society will continue to decline and eventually everyone will be on the same page. Or Site… As Bonnie says, “...It's going to be so different when they grow up because loads of Mum's and Dad's are going to be making this kind of content or on OnlyFans.”

Do not let the stigma, negativity, or haters in society stifle your pursuit of this country’s most coveted goal - the opportunity for wealth and happiness - as it could be yours as easily as waking up tomorrow morning.

I still move the elf and that's ok!

Why Does Childhood Go So Fast?

Childhood is fleeting and time is a thief. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, read, and typed these phrases myself while scrolling or posting pictures of my kids and others. We are blessed with the years we have with them and the memories created.

Where is Their Innocence?

In today's world is seems like technology strips away at those years even faster than previous generations. Society and social media and constant communication and information make it almost impossible for children to retain innocence.

No matter how much we want to preserve the innocence of our children, we as parents, realize sometimes that's impossible.

But, sometimes I guess we get lucky, and our kids are able to retain their own levels of innocence that protects their little hearts.

I still move the elf!

My kids are 12 and 15, and I still move the elf. I'm not very good at it, as oftentimes, he gets "stuck" or "sick" or the weather is too "poor" for him to make it back to the north pole every night... but on those occasions I am reminded by my son that he didn't move.

We celebrate Christmas for the birth of Christ and don't do yearly trips to see Santa, yet the joy of giving and receiving has always been one of the best times of year for our family. The elf tradition simply added another layer of fun.

I can't say for sure how much true belief they have, but last night at a hockey game where Santa and Mrs. Claus attended, my son did not need to go see Santa as he said, "he knew he wasn't the real one," and held my hand a little tighter as we walked. Yes, he still holds my hand...

There are Still Good Kids Everywhere!

I know my kids are not rare. Good kids are not rare. I get to interact with so many good kids at school and in my home when my kids invite over their friends. My 15-year-old can spend an entire day with a friend and all of us, and neither one of them is on their phone. They simply enjoy hanging out together and interacting with us. 

Doubt there is any magic ingredient or recipe we followed to have kids we continue to be proud of; I just think that there is a little kid in every kid, and we have to at least try to not let society steal it from them too fast.

I'm sure there is much more discussion, debate, worry, anxiety, and fears that all mothers and parents face. I could go on about the days with shouting matches, smart-ass comments, disobedience, and such, but today I chose to focus on a positive experience, as it was what filled my heart when I went to sleep last night. 

And for that I was thankful.

Pennsylvania's PITA Frost

The Fear is Real, but more so a PITA

While it might not be so much a "fear" of frost, we PA gardeners know it is definitely a PITA for us. We hit May and Mother's Day and feel we're in the clear, only to have one last late May frost come down and disrupt the garden high we're on this time of year.

Early Spring in the Garden and Chicken Coop

A Gardener's Early Spring

"Mud, flood, blossoms, and babies signal the arrival of spring..." is an excellent way to anticipate and welcome the start of every gardener's favorite season. 

Quote and info adapted from one of my favorite sources, The Backyard Homestead Seasonal Planner: What To Do & When To Do It by Ann Larkin Hansen.

Parenting Fails 101: Mythical and Magical Creatures

Leprechaun Loser

Empty boxes, stacked across the kitchen floor, are strewn with blankets and towels, and I believe one of my sweaters. They are filled with candy and gold painted rocks intended to deceivingly trap an unknowing leprechaun.

The disappointed look on my son's face in the morning when he discovers that the leprechaun has not wreaked havoc in the house to his expectation instantly tells me I have once again failed at bringing mythical creatures to life in the house.

Tooth Fairy Forgiveness

My daughter who lost her tooth in the morning before dashing out to the bus, inserts newly excavated tooth into a sandwich baggy and deposits it somewhere in the kitchen. The following morning she remarks how the tooth fairy never came and brought her cash.

We must not have left her a note. We must not have placed the tooth under your pillow. She must be running low on cash! The plethora of reasons for the pathetic excuse of a fairy that she is, come spilling out of my mouth at rapid speed. An immediate plan for the next night is quickly put into place.

Elf on the Shelf, Oh Sh*t

And who doesn't know the magical morning moments of realization that nobody moved the Elf to his new household lodging and then is faced with two options: sneak around the house like a stealthy ninja warrior performing acrobatics or spin a believable tale of bad snowstorms at the North Pole, of dirty room reporting, and thanks to 2020, in need of quarantine time!

Self Sabotage and Auntie's Antics

We as parents need to ask ourselves, why? Why do we see the story books and stuffed creatures and somehow believe that starting cute little traditions will provide joyful memories and never-ending adventures! 

What about the family's favorite aunt who surprises everyone at the holidays with a friend, pet, or outfit change for our magical or mythical creature?!

Band of Parents

Aren't we as parents supposed to stick together and support one another? Time to take back our homes and stop encouraging the propaganda and riotous shenanigans of mythical creatures in the wee hours of the night.

Time for fully rested nights of sleep - free of panic and fear of failure and forgetfulness! Band of parents - unite!